AmericanAngst.com

Remember ERB (Evil Russian Bitch)? For those new to the game, here are a few links:

http://www.americanangst.com/fatty.html

http://www.americanangst.com/dieasswipe.html

http://www.americanangst.com/erb.html

http://www.americanangst.com/donutcamera.html

http://www.americanangst.com/october302005.html

To recap: she’s a twat, she’s from Russia and has a deep accent (note that you must read all interactions posted about her doing your own Russian accent in your head. It’s required.), and she loves to make people feel like crap about themselves. She likes to prey on anyone who might be, ohhhh, five pounds or more overweight (note that she’s about 60 lbs overweight herself, at the least), or who have any flaws as she perceives them. I’m sure if we analyze in depth, we’ll find her to be a deeply insecure person who feels the need to put others down to feel better about herself. Also, she’s a bitch.

Now that you’re all caught up, revel in the glory that is the latest run-in. Yep, that’s right. She is STILL at the office (thankfully, I am NOT), and she is most definitely still up to her old antics. Enjoy! (And pray for “C” who still has to see her.)

I haven’t seen “C” in a few years now, but lately? I keep seeing her EVERYWHERE. We chatted once in a parking lot as she was driving by and saw me, the rest of the time, I see her driving down the road. Very interesting and, frankly, a little weird since I never see ANYONE I know when I’m out and about. (Okay, rarely.)

So the fact that I kept seeing her was getting funny and I just had to email her and say Hello and “I keep seeing you!” which, y’know, sounds totally boring now, but…whatever. I’m just trying to explain the first part of her email, which she sent in response, and now I’m realizing I could’ve just deleted the stupid irrelevant parts and been done with it, and yet I’m still typing like I don’t have a frickin’ BACK button. Okay, okay, I’m shutting up now. Read on…

That is so weird….the funny thing is that I’ve been reminding myself all weekend to send you an e-mail this morning to let you know that I was totally ambushed by ERB on Friday.

I ran into her as I was coming out of the bathroom stall, and she did her random, friendly chit chat with the creepy half smile and wide eyes.  I walked out of the bathroom, she walked out, too, and we both went the same way down the hallway.  I notice after a few steps that she’s staring at my face, so I turn to look at her, anxiety simmering in my gut and said, "What?  Why are you staring at me?"  I knew SOMETHING was about to happen.  I’m almost to the elevator lobby, freedom is so close….

ERB: I think you have iodine deficiency.

Me: Why?

ERB: Your eyebrows.

Me:  What do you mean?

ERB:  They are thin, like mine.  I have iodine deficiency.

Me:  Mine aren’t thin, they’re blonde.  I have to have them waxed monthly.

ERB:  (motioning toward her neck) Oh, yes, I paint iodine on my skin every night.

Me: That’s…great.

ERB:  Yes, I just paint it on (making great, sweeping strokes), and by morning it is gone.

I open the door to the elevator lobby, hoping this is the social cue she needs to end the conversation.  Not so much….

ERB:  You can tell if you have iodine problem by putting a thermometer in your armpit when you get up in the morning. If your temperature is (blah, blah, something), then you have iodine deficiency.

Me:  Okay, cool, well, thanks….have a good weekend.

ERB:  Iodine can help when you can’t lose weight.

Me:  Mmmm, really?  Seems like I would have heard about that before.

ERB:  (motioning towards her midsection), Oh yes, since I have been painting on the iodine, I have lose weight.

Me:  REALLY?  Wow, um, I guess I haven’t seen you in awhile.  Had you gotten heavier than THIS?

I know, I’m going to h#ll, but she’ll join me at some point. I just had to dig back at her.  She’s a lunatic.

She looked a little stunned, so I bolted while I had the chance.  I called [A Friend] and I was like, "OMG!!!!  I just had an ERB encounter a la Gracie!!"  So many of my friends know about ERB, and they were all beyond amused.

Later….

C.

Heh.

Poor “C” (but, of course, YAY for the readers)!

~G.

It’s been for-EVER since we’ve done this…thought it would be good for a giggle. The following list is a very SMALL sampling of terms people used in search engines and, much to their chagrin, I’m sure, arrived at MY site as a result. Too funny.

Someone arrived here searching for…

168-year old man
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antsy vs angsty
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atkins friendly birthday cake
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bdp i hate everyone
beseech use in a sentence
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bitches pusi torture
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carcke hos
catsuit fart
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ding pies are done
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dog hoser porno
dogs screwing men/women
duh day
dumbest illegal immigrant running stop light = $100.00 dui = $5000.00 not wearing a seat belt = $50.00 putting you & your girlfrien
easter bunny ass hurts
fat man on couch
female angst intercourse
female crap
female panty poop
fuck you you fucking fuck 
fuckinginindia
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fucky girls
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gau men in daisy  duke shorts
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generic allegra-d pooped out
george and gracie" romance"
george purses
george yep
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glucophage farter
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grannies getting enemas
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his balls" "my wife" fertile stories"
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how not to play with baby "funny"
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i use a whip on my husband
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i want to pee in my husband’s mouth
i`ll buy that for a dollar
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i’m so bored meaning
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is kiddo a romantic nickname?
is this true? a hunter in uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally hunting gorillas.
island girl whatcha want with the white man’s world?
jewish nicknames
judgeporn .cam
judith light nipple
laugh pie chart
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local stupid people
mancrate
men are idiots
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muscles porn
mutterporn
my life had such a turn around
my wife wants to fuck a dog
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naked girls fart and pee at the same time
nakedwomen of american girl
nose fart torture girl
ocd when trying to get comfortable in bed before sleep
ooo yee porno
oops im pooped
oprah repeats herself we’ll be right back we’ll be right back
oprah we’ll be right back twice
oprahs tits are sucked
our building has a revolving door
panty pooping
pantyhose humiliation
paula abdul wearing gloves
pee  porn
penal law setting punishment running stop light
people littering
pictures of cars and stupid people
plugging zanaflex in ass
plunger up her ass
poop a squat pics
poop squat
pooping squat
pop goes the weasel day
porn  sseee
pregnant barbie
randy jackson racist
reality boobs
rossie socks salebuy on line
safe baby handling tips
sexy wife kiss the dog fucking her
sexy.oldwoman
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shiney spandex asses
shingles get well card
shiny pantyhose" "what makes
silly rhetorical questions
sinarials
skin cancer images
slut lady
smoochie pup" pussy"
so very bored
soccer moms enemas
someone dazed picture
something awful
spanish crazy critters commercial
srewmywife
stupid corporate people
stupid squirrel pictures
sucky boom
sucky sucky
tell me gracie how does it feel 
tennesseepussy
the cast of american angst
the great ryan’s steakhouse story
thigh galleries
tight pants points
tonya harding really poop herself?
tranquilise gorrilas dress clown
transparent spiders
tushy smelling
uganda gorillas in clown suits
vaginel ornemants
wendy the snapple lady kaufman
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whimper me this
white man angst
who’s yo daddy porn
whosotboo
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why does my husband like pantyhose
why mans rubs girls breast and beat
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woman doing peepee dance
women who like to be punched in the stomach
www.foodtasterjob.com
www.people-nudism.com wideo
www.pimple but get fuckd pics
www.pornnose
www.tattoo sexy.com
you are what she eats
yum rocket

And you thought WE were weird!

~G.

Sick and tired of the fonts in your MS Word 2007 comments being so darn tiny? And no matter how many times you try to change the font size, it never actually changes it? Yeah, me too. The good news is that I have figured out how to fix it.

Here’s how to change the font size of comments in MS Word 2007:

On the Home tab/ribbon, in the Styles section, click the little box/arrow in the far lower-right area of the Styles "box." In the pop-up box that appears, click the third icon (Manage Styles). Scroll all the way down to "Balloon Text" (it will be disabled/grayed-out). It’s a little more than halfway through the list. Note: do NOT click Comment text or any derivative thereof. It won’t work. Trust me.

Click on Balloon Text and click the Modify button. Click the Format button in the lower-right area and choose the font, size, color, etc., that you want, then click the OK button. Note that if you want ALL your documents to use this setting, you will need to place a selection in the "New documents based on this template" check box. For good measure, I also chose the "Add to Quick Styles list" option, as well, so I could easily change it again if I wanted to by using the styles ribbon on the home tab (rather than going through this again every time). You can also choose "Only in this document" if you think you will never again need this setting and only want it changed for the particular document you’re working on.

Click OK to save your changes, click OK in the remaining box to save everything. then close your Styles box and…voila! That is all and you are finally able to read the damned comments without zooming in to 200%.

You = welcome.

This picture is hanging on the wall in my daughter’s day care center. It slays me every time I see it.

I have no idea who the children are, if it’s a viral thing that people emailed to each other, or…whatever. Doesn’t matter.(and yes, I asked the teachers and they had no idea; said the image had been there forever. That’s due diligence, yeah?)

PS, if you own these adorable children and don’t want the image shown? Just email me and I will remove the picture. You know, if you positively INSIST.

But …c’mon. That shit is FUNNY.

~G.

Don’t paint your nails until you are certain—absolutely certain—that you will not have to go to the bathroom for at least an hour.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Note: Ignore this message if any of the following apply to you:

a) you LIKE bizarre patterns

b) AND lots of questions

c) you aren’t painting your nails surreptitiously at work

Love,

~G.

So George and I have taken the plunge and started the Medifast diet (referred by our doctor) and we’re very excited (read: George, while fully on board, is WAY more pissed about this than I excpected…he repeatedly texts me throughout the day w/messages like "I WANT PIE!" It’s super fun). So, because we started this program, which includes 5 meals per day (provided by the company, shipped right to your door, and no, I don’t get referral fees if you join, though I admit that I tried to find something like that…hey! don’t judge me! This shit’s expensive!) and one "Lean and Green" meal per day that you prepare for yourself. Today is our first day and we’re doing okay (I = Hungry messages back and forth notwithstanding). The only problem so far, for me at least, is how damn much I have to PEE. I didn’t think I was drinking more water than usual…I tend to drink lots of it anyway, plus numerous 44oz cups of ice…yes, it’s an obsession, no, I do NOT in fact care if it’s bad for me…been doing it since I was a kid and I’m not stopping no matter HOW much you love me and try to convince me otherwise.

Where was I? No, besides Scatteredville…

Oh yeah…peeing. So because I’m peeing all the freakin’ time, I have run into the old Bathroom Annoyances situations again, much like when I was pregnant. This means that on several occasions, I will be pottying when the janitor people come in to replace toilet paper and paper towels and to do…whatever else it is they do. (note that they refuse to do this at night, but rather only during the day, 74 TIMES a day, and only–ONLY–when I am in there. More to the point, only when I have just settled in and was planning on having freakin’ PRIVACY.)

Today was no different. And today was even more appalling. Perhaps I can better explain by giving you a dialog of sorts, putting you in the seat, if you will, along with me.

Gracie: Places all paraphenalia on teeny tiny little "shelf," performs Potty Seat ritual (inspect for drips, drops, hairs, and such), use gobs of TP to clean seat off again anyway, Just In Case, then prepare seat for Sittin’, then…I sit.

Janitor, two seconds later: BANG BANG BANG!!! (this is on the outside of the restroom door, and is so loud, a few items detach themselves from my person, including my eyeballs. I also jump approximately 2.4 feet in the air.)

Gracie, pissed off because she knows who might be knocking on the door, resists the urge to do as she often does when people knock to be let in, which is to call out, all sing-songy "Whoooo IIIISSSS IIIIIT???", instead hollers out "SOMEONE’S IN HERE!"

Janitor: BANG BANG BANG!!!

Gracie: YEAH! JUST. A.  MIIIINUTE please!! SOmene is IN HERE!"

Janitor: Ignores Gracie and enters anyway. Note that this is not a female, so I’m alarmed. Boys are not ALLOWED in girl’s bathrooms, and I’m pretty sure that’s a law (known as GL576, or Gracie’s Law, for short). This all happens in the span of about 12 seconds, MAX.

Gracie: Rolls eyes to nobody in particular and continues performing the duties the room insists I perform, while huffing and muttering my distaste for him doing this anyway. This included deep sighing and things like my favorite word of late, “unbeLEEEVable!”

Janitor: Goes into other stall, swaps out toilet paper (sidebar: did you know that when they do this, they don’t save the toilet paper they change, but instead just throw it in the TRASH?? That’s right…half-used TP rolls, in perfectly good condition, just tossed in the trash can!), replaces the paper towel roll in our fancy new auto-towel dispenser, checks the levels in the auto-soap dispenser, etc., etc., and I figure he just doesn’t care that I’m in there and is just doing what he’s supposed to and will just ignore the stall I’m in. That’s what the women janitors tend to do, at least thus far.

But…I, as you might suspect, was wrong. Very, very wrong.

All of a sudden, as I’m mid…well…finishing things up, the Janitor tries to enter my stall. Note that the jackass doesn’t knock on the stall door, doesn’t even try to open it softly. Nope. He practically rams his full 200+ pounds into it on the first try. And then? When he finds it locked? (Thank KEE-RIIIIST I remembered to lock it!) He leaves.

hahahaha, you’re so gullible. No, he does NOT leave, or apologize, or anything of the sort. He instead TRIES AGAIN. Like maybe someone locked it only SLIGHTLY as a joke and if he just really puts some muscle behind it, it’ll relent and grant him entrée.

When, again, the door refuses to budge, he yells out “SOMEONE IN THERE???” which is clearly the most brilliant question ever asked. Right up there with “Where’s the Beef?” and “Pee-Yew! Was that YOU or the cow farm we just passed??”

Gracie: Who is only just getting her heart up off the floor and back into her chest and trying to reposition her ass back on the seat, as this is the SECOND time she has slipped partially off the bowl as a result of Janitorial Terror, calls out, clearly annoyed, “Uhh…YEEEEAHHHH??”

Janitor: Pissed off AT ME for being there, walks off muttering “Well GEEZ, why the hell didn’t you answer me when I knocked!?!?”

Gracie: *oh no he DIH-INT!* “Um, I DID. TWICE. And even made noises loud enough for you to hear while you were working in the other stalls!”

Janitor: *Crickets*

Cause I’m alone. He left.

I finish my business, wash my hands, and as I’m leaving I see him in the hallway with another Janitorial Jackass leaning on their respective Wheeled Trash Barrels, with the older one bitching to the younger one about stupid corporate people. I, naturally, glared at him, right in the eye, and gave my best “Shame on you, you mannerless CLOD!” look which, as we all know, destroys people and makes them need therapy.

I know. It’s fun living in my world.

So there you have it. Should you require a job, and you are either unable or unwilling to hear? And want a job that requires it nonetheless? Please come apply in my building. Hurry or you might miss me!

~G.

Helpful Tip #712: Red Velvet cake has no calories if you scrape off all the frosting. Trust me. Would I lie to you??

~G.

Our building has a revolving door, flanked on either side by push/pull doors. They prefer that people don’t use the push/pull doors unless absolutely necessary, as it floods the lobby with hot or cold air, as the seasons dictate (I KNOW).

As I was leaving for lunch the other day, a girl behind me actually stopped right behind me as I was about to go through the revolving doors and said "Ohhhh, I don’t know how THOSE things work, so I’m just gonna go through this one over HERE."

Wow.

(and no, she was NOT kidding…I found this out cause I barked w/laughter and looked at her, as I thought we were going to share a giggle over the strangeness of the DON’T USE THE DOORS WE PROVIDE! rule, but nope. She continued to look bewildered and walked away.)

Welcome to Gracie’s World. They find me no matter where I go.

~G.

Dreamed last night that George proposed to me…again. Except this time it was in a pool, he was Andrew McCarthy (but still, y’know…GEORGE), & the diamond? Was WAY smaller.

Also my mom was very upset that I hadn’t yet told George that I accepted Andrew-George’s re-proposal. I mean, couldn’t she see that I had awesome new high-heeled, made-totally-of-lace boots & a wicked-awesome wedding dress & badly needed an occasion to wear them??

Shaw.

(Hey, don’t give me grief…I totally left out the "Having to Pee in Said Wedding Dress" part. You’re welcome. It’s cuz I love y’all.)

~G.

Dumbest Criminal of the Week
Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $5,000.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $50.00
Putting you & your girlfriend on your fake drivers license = PRICELESS

REMEMBER!!
When making a fake ID, attach a picture of yourself only, no matter how much you love your girl.

Counterfeited I.D. of the Week….
This is an actual driver’s license from a traffic stop….

SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM!!

Thanks to Jessica for the giggle!